Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Life is like sitting on a rollercoaster ride.
With the ups and downs..
You will have your ups where you live you life
Like livin in paradise
cause you are so successful in everything you do…
But before you realized, your life come crushing down
Like someone has thrown you out of your paradise
cos you don’t belong there anymore, or maybe
You are never meant to be there…

Yeah,
I know what i'm doing is a whole load of shit,
so redundant and useless...
But i dont know what else i can do..
go ahead and blame me…

I remember few months back,
Where I finally got this book from
Mitch Albom, “For One More Day”

I told myself on the bus
Where I had just finished that book,
I’m going to treasure all those around me,
And I really really mean it..
But that period was a difficult period for me,
With helload of assignments that was
Thrown to me, yet I don’t really know what I should
Do, with attachment to handle which drives me crazy
And this horrendous yet amazing, contradicting workplace
That gave me happiness with tension + pressure..

I told myself, I’m going to do that,
Treasuring my love ones
When I finished this semester..
But…
Before I realized, things started going
Awry…
Firstly, he was warded in hospital
And the rest, I don’t wish to talk about it..
But it drives me crazy,
And I neglected my workload and
I visited him in hospital whenever I can,
And rushed to finish them when I returned from the hospital..
I was much relieved when he could still joke ard…

Only during the last week when he was discharged,
I wasn’t there for him.
But Now I wish I did..
He was alright
When I visited him during weekends
After he was discharge..
But he definitely looked paler and weaker.
And looking at the amount of pills he had to
Consume within a day gave me such a
Incontrollable heartache.
Worst, he had this dizzyspells that
He even had the fear to go down for a walk.
I suggested sending him to a nursing home,
Temporary. Not old folks’ home!
It so much safer and assuring with nurses around to
Care for him.. But it sparks off more misunderstanding..

I had held my assignments in such high
Regards which was my next priority
That I became too busy to visit him for the next
Two weeks…
God gave me a month before he took him away from me
But I didn’t treasure him the way I should have…
And everything was too late,
Really too late..
Now I really missed him so badly..

I had this urge to give up everything that
I had contributed, to come this far.
And the tons of things I had sacrificed.

I thought I had always set my priorities right
In the things I do…
Now I know, I don’t..

I know all the things I’m trying to do was
redundant.
You people said I should have done it when he was around,
Not now..
What do you people know,
You weren’t even there for him at all..
You said I was fake and pretending to
Love him or pretending I was nice..
Thanks
I didn’t know I was such a good faker,
I hope when all the procedures are done,
We will never meet again.
Never!

Things were better, with assignments to
Rushed, that shut me off completely cos
I do them till late at night. I do not have the time
To “think so much” due to the constant
Effort to keep my mind busy and tired
But now, where assignments are done,
Attachment are fulfilled, I’m completely
Lost and felt so empty.
I can't seem to sleep well at night
Without….
But its making me so sick..
What am I going to do..
I’m trying ways to keep myself busy
And the best thing on my mind is to find
Another part time job to work during the weekends.
But now, I really feel like going on a holiday
To a remote place with a nice beach,
But I don’t think that’s possible…

I need to embrace it although things
Were never be the same anymore..
Currently, I know what’s my priorities.
I hope I’m not wrong this time..
Let’s hope time will heal everything…
I am trying to be alright,
Please don’t rub my wound with salt.
If you do know everything that’s happening in my life,
Please pretend you don’t..
Don’t provoke that feeling in me again..
Im sorry if I am so cold and maybe
Hostile to any of you,
I guess I am. Cos that’s what
Happening at home.
Give me time…